


and when i wake, you're there

by nesswoodfield



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Panic Attacks, hopefully not too sad???, i also wrote this at 1am, i've never gotten this deep before tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 17:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13980276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nesswoodfield/pseuds/nesswoodfield
Summary: Vanessa finds Charity having a panic attack.





	and when i wake, you're there

**Author's Note:**

> (TW: panic attack)
> 
> I’m not really sure what prompted this but with the upcoming rumoured storylines, I wanted to try and come up with something about Charity’s walls coming down in some way. Thank you to everyone who let me shove this in their face before I posted it!

It had been a while since things had gotten this bad - especially since Vanessa had come into her life - but with the missing ketamine, Lisa’s cardiac arrest and Joe Tate’s endless threats lurking around every corner, it was a miracle she didn’t break sooner.

Sometimes, as the tension clenches in her chest, the tears burning their way over her cheeks, she fears she might never feel normal again. Sometimes, with the sinking feeling, the lowering of her legs, the way she slides down onto the floor, she wonders if she’ll ever be able to get back up again. It’s never as easy as the last. The gasping breaths, the incessant quivers of her legs, the panic rising in her throat - it always choked her into silence, not that she would shout anyway - but sometimes, it would be nice if her body could at least be subtle about the fact no one was coming to save her. 

Before, she’d managed to shake off the crippling wave of emotion before anyone got around to finding her; other times, she would hide in the bathroom until it simply passed. But now. Now it was different. It was a new space. She didn’t have the comfort of her en-suite to hide in, no door to lock and nowhere to hide.

Instead, she’s faced with scared blue eyes, a strong hold on her wrists and words she can’t quite make out in the blur of her racing mind. She knows she should try to focus, to fixate her mind on some part - any part - of Vanessa, and try to will the whirring dizziness away; she knew it mustn’t be the prettiest sight: a breathless, panting body struggling to find meaning to breathe - her girlfriend didn’t deserve to see that, especially so soon after committing to her, but she couldn’t help it. Really, she couldn’t.

“Charity...”

It was the way, even in moments of unease and shock, that the softness to Vanessa’s voice cut through to her; the way that she could just hear the care drip from her lips and into her ear - it was enough to coax her back into a vague space of reality. 

“Charity, look at me… I need you to look at me, please. Can you do that?” 

The room, spinning in its unfamiliarity, seemed to slow down and ragged breaths filled her ears and they weren’t just her own. Vanessa was panicking too, she could tell by the wildness to her eyes. But the words, she couldn’t make out the words yet.

Charity’s head nodded, lolling back against the wall to which she found herself leaning against. It resembled Vanessa’s bedroom in some morphed dream but there really was no way to be sure. She was knelt in front of her though, begging her to come around, to focus and breathe, Vanessa. 

“Charity, breathe with me, yeah? In… And out... Can you do that? In… And out…” 

There were exaggerated movements, her chest rising and falling, head nodding to her in encouragement; Charity pushed through the restricting pulsations through her body, she pushed through and shook out some heavy breaths, slowly, dizzily nodding back to the figure in front of her.

“That’s it… Just breathe, Charity. It’s okay… It’s all okay…”

Her head was heavy, that much she knew. Her head was heavy and she kept clutching to each new breath, clinging to it until it fell from her body again. Over and over. She kept her eyes on concerned pools of blue and nodded along with her girlfriend. 

Until it began sinking in.

She was on the floor of Vanessa’s bedroom, she could barely breathe, her skin was damp all over with sweat, clothes clinging to her as she shivered from exhaustion. It had all happened and she barely even processed it. But Vanessa was there. She saw it, saw her. For the emotional wreck she was - all of her scattered pieces - broken and frail on the floor. 

“‘Ness…” Her tired voice was fragile, the regret and sadness tinting her words, eyes already filling again in preparation. “I’m so sorry-- I… It happens… I didn’t even know you were here… I-- you’re here, right?” She blinked, eyes searching Vanessa’s.

“I’m here.” Vanessa soothed, hands softly squeezing at Charity’s own as she nodded encouragingly, “I’m here.” She repeated, moving to sit next to her against the wall before pulling her into her side, her arm wrapping securely around her shoulder. “I’m going nowhere, Charity.”

It was enough to let the tears fall again.

“I’m here.” She repeated, pressing soft kisses to the top of her girlfriend’s head as she held her securely into her side, letting Charity’s shoulders shake against her. “I’m here… It’s okay…” 

Vanessa had so many questions.

When she’d finally headed to bed after finishing up the last of her paperwork, the last thing she’d expected to find was her girlfriend, heaving in her own tears on the floor. She could feel her whole heart drop; the panic of what could have happened to have caused such a reaction mixed with the heartache of having to see the person she cared about most fall apart in front of her eyes. 

It was unlike anything she’d witnessed before. She couldn’t help but notice how small Charity looked, consumed in her own world. Her body curled up into a ball, shoulders rising and falling in an unpredictable rhythm; the blonde hair she’d toyed with just hours before had now fallen defeated over the knees which had been pulled to her chest.

And then she was in front of her, coaxing her back into a consciousness.

She didn’t know what to say, how to make things better. Only she knew she had to. And so this is how the two sat, she was sure Charity kept drifting in and out of tired, exhaustion fuelled naps but she always came around with the same concerns.

“I’m so sorry…” It was almost second-nature as she clung to the one constant in her life, begging her not to leave her. Charity was too scared to stand up, too scared to even shift a muscle, too scared that if she did, if she let go of Vanessa for one second that she might not come back. 

And they don’t move for a long time. Not until Charity’s breaths have evened out to a steady hum; she’s exhausted, battleworn, yes, but she’s breathing evenly again and Vanessa takes that as a sign to pause the patterns she’d been tracing against her side, to pause the whispers of reassurances and to just take her in.

She’s careful as she pulls back, easing her way out of Charity’s grasp, but never letting go of her hand, she doesn’t quite think she can let go of that just yet.

“Hey,” She soothes, tilting her head down to catch her gaze, smiling softly into desperate but tired green eyes, “Hey, do you think we can move to get in bed? You must be aching… C’mon... I’ll help you up.” 

Charity nodded weakly, letting Vanessa pull her up slowly, an arm supporting under her own as she stumbled over to the bed.

It was easier to fall this time. 

The comfort of the sheets around her, the hand that guided her down and stroked over her hair, pushing it from her face. 

She got comfortable this time.

Vanessa let go of her hand for a moment, only to search out one of her bigger t-shirts to change her girlfriend into. Without a second thought, she let her hands carefully underdress her, discarding her clothes onto the floor and lightly pulling the thin material over Charity’s her head to rest atop her underwear. 

It was silent, but the gratitude pouring from Charity’s eyes was undeniable. The way she sought out Vanessa’s hand again as the woman finally slid into bed beside her and pulled the covers over them both was enough to say it all. 

Her eyes searched over Vanessa’s face, awe-struck and overwhelmed, but she felt safe. 

Vanessa might not get any answers tonight, but truth be told, she didn’t mind. She had Charity beside her, her soft breath ghosting her neck and her chest rising and falling at a steady, even pace.

They had all the time in the world for answers, because if one thing had been made clear in the blur of all the panic, it was that Vanessa isn’t going anywhere.


End file.
